and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
