i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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