ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
