what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
