Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
