6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
