I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
