it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
