can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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