@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
