is your mom at the bar?
I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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