I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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