I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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