So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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