Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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