I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
