I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
