Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
