Just cropdusted the office
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
