Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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