I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
