true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i wish my penis had a tongue
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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