I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just high enough for therapy.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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