i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
