If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
