True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
