This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize