right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
