My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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