i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm really busy with my period
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