I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
