just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
