Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
