he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
a search helicopter?!
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What a dumb baby whore.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
