I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
