Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
