So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
