My underwear smells like fireworks.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
