I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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