I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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