Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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