I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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