If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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