where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
