Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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