Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
