I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
