Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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