First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
