I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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