if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I stole a fireplace last night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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