i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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