I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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