No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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