You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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