i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I could fuck to npr.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
