Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
