I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
