Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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