im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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