i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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