remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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