i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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